


Why is there straw everywhere?

by JayEz



Category: Sherlock (TV), Sherlock Holmes & Related Fandoms
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Different First Meeting, Alternate Universe - Porn, Crack, Deductions, Gift Fic, John "Three Continents" Watson, M/M, Oral Sex, Pornstars, inspired by a classic German porn clip, seriously
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-19
Updated: 2015-12-19
Packaged: 2018-05-07 11:58:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,383
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5455697
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JayEz/pseuds/JayEz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Just one job,” Harry said. “It’ll be fun,” she said. </p><p>Pornstar AU based on <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=19K3EhUln4k">this</a> classic German porn clip featuring a pile of straw and riding off the assumption that Sherlock would <em>definitely</em> have been able to deduce why it is lying there.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Why is there straw everywhere?

**Author's Note:**

> The idea originated on a very funny tube ride when [mylastvow](http://mylastvow.tumblr.com/) and I met in London for Hamlet and somehow happened upon the topic of porn with plot. I promised to write the accompanying fic for Xmas, and had a blast doing it.  
> Merry Christmas, my dearest [mylastvow](http://mylastvow.tumblr.com/)! 
> 
> Beta'd by the wonderful [Iriya](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Iriya/pseuds/Iriya).
> 
> [[view the original clip with English subtitles here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=19K3EhUln4k)]

“Just one job,” Harry said. “It’ll be fun,” she said. 

John should have never listened to her. One job for [ActiveDuty.com](http://www.activeduty.com/) turned into two, turned into three, turned into a contract with the agency Harry’s girlfriend works for, and all plans of getting a job at a hospital are shot to bits. 

John never meant to become a porn star. His life’s plan never included a nomination for the Prowler Award for Best British New Comer, pun definitely intended. 

Yet gaining a medical cadetship, surviving foundation training, six months of officer and military training, eighteen months as general duty medical officer, six months on a tour with his regiment in Afghanistan, and another year in the UK couldn’t prevent the enemy bullet to tear into his shoulder during his second deployment. 

Thankfully the bullet missed anything too vital, so three months of rehab later John received a honourable discharge while regaining almost full mobility in his shoulder. 

Which was when Harry told him about how much money an attractive ex-soldier could make, the sum high enough for John to agree to one sodding job. 

Now he is 34 and about to blow a 23-year-old recent college graduate on a set full of _straw_ , of all things, for a new, experimental series called _SmartASS_. Yes, it’s bloody campy, but the porn studio _Hudders_ is under new management after the owner was convicted for drug smuggling and his wife apparently decided to shake things up a wee bit. 

There is no script. There rarely is, but this time John is a little surprised. After all, this clip is supposed to have plot. 

“Hi, I’m John,” he greets his co-star when he sees him emerging from make-up in one of the studio’s fluffy robes. He is tall and on the skinny side of slim, with almost Byronic features and soft-looking, dark curls. 

A mousy, small woman steps into John’s path, aiming an apologetic look at him. “Sorry, he doesn’t like to talk before shoots. I’m Molly, his assistant.”

John’s eyebrows shoot up. Assistant? “How long’s this bloke been in the industry?”

“Five years. Financed his studies at Oxford with it,” she explains. “First time he’s not flying solo, so he’s a little nervous.”

Ah, that’s why John has never met him before. This Sherlock (what a strange stage name, really) is probably one of the cam boys, students wanking in front of their web cam for others to watch. John heard there is decent cash to be made and the kids never have to touch or shag anyone. 

It also explains why John is the one doing the blowing today. Sherlock’s agency or studio is probably building up to bigger things, creating some buzz before promoting their newest star ‘losing’ his virginity on screen. 

How is this John’s life again? 

Greg, a director John has worked with before, walks John through the set-up – a model of an alley with a pile of straw lying next to a park bench and a lamp post that functions as the set’s practical light – explaining the plot for them to improvise. Then it’s time to shrug off his robe and take his position in front of the park bench, fiddling with his phone. 

He is in his army trousers, combat boots, and a tight white tee a size too small that shows off his still well-defined chest. It’s his signature look as Three Continent Watson. 

After Greg shouts, “Action!”, Sherlock enters the frame, and the double take John does requires zero amount of acting. The young man is all long lines and lithe body, accentuated by indecently tight jeans and a purple shirt that is open at the collar, revealing a very sensual neck. 

“Pardon me, do you have the time?” Sherlock asks, posh accent lending a smooth, velvety quality to his words, an arrogant smile on his lips as if he knows exactly why John splutters at being spoken to. 

(Now that’s acting. John has shot people, he has no problem talking to fit twinks.) 

“Sure, mate. It’s one o’clock, on the dot.” 

“Thank you.” 

Sherlock makes to leave but stops two steps away from John, turning on his heels and squinting at the pile of straw next to the bench. 

“Why is there straw everywhere?” he wonders, the only agreed upon line of the entire clip. 

“You got the public school accent, mate,” John teases. “You tell me.”

Sherlock gives him a once-over then, and John is met with the bluest eyes he has ever seen. Then the young man steps closer to the straw, briefly inspecting it (by bending over and providing the cameras with a nice view of his pert bottom) before spouting some of the most insane monologue John has ever been at the receiving end of. And he works in _porn_. 

“One would assume this to be some kind sustenance for animals, yet the straw’s quality is abysmal. Not fit for feeding, obvious. Straw is also used as an insulator in construction; however the next construction site is too far off even for lazy handymen who thought this lamp post could do with a heap of soon-to-be compost.”

A snort escapes John. Sherlock’s lips twitch. 

“No, judging by the straw’s day-old condition, the specks of cheap finger paint located on the lower culms, as well as the dents still discernible in this subset of material here,” he points to a place on the right, “I have to conclude that this was used in a nativity play. The play staged by the primary school around the corner, to be exact.”

The confidence with which his co-star delivers this deduction is enough to make John – and certainly the viewer, too – believe every word. If he weren’t so stunned, John would probably laugh at the situational irony of using straw from a nativity scene on a porn set. Still baffled, though, it takes John a second to remember he’s supposed to be segueing into a blowjob. 

“That was… amazing.” 

Sherlock seems genuinely surprised. “Do you think so?”

“Of course it was! It was extraordinary.” He licks his lips, glancing down, then up again through his lashes. “It was quite extraordinary.”

The change in Sherlock’s posture is subtle enough to miss if your eyes aren’t fixed on the man, the shift of his hips calling attention to the front of his trousers. 

“Extraordinary enough to earn me a blowjob?” Sherlock purrs, and John almost laughs at the hilarious transition. 

“God, yes,” he says instead, stepping closer and sinking to his knees in one fluid motion. 

The blowjob itself would have been over rather quickly judging by the sounds Sherlock is making and how his hand tightens where it is gripping John’s hair, were it not for the camera moving around them and Greg calling out directions. 

Frankly, John doesn’t mind much. He registers the comments, adjusts his angle to provide a better view for the camera a couple of times, squeezes his fingers around the base of Sherlock’s (thin, beautiful) cock when he thinks the bloke is dangerously close to the edge, and uses his free hand to expose his own erection for the second camera. 

On Greg’s mark he pulls off his co-star, stroking the man’s cock and aiming the tip at his own face. He gets one good look at Sherlock, cutting a highly erotic picture with his cheeks flushed and lips red from where he must have bitten them, before he has to close his eyes against the warm streaks of come erupting from Sherlock’s erection. 

John follows shortly after, spilling himself on the studio floor. 

Sherlock walks off with one last arrogant smirk and Greg’s ensuing “Cut!” releases John from the more and more uncomfortable position on his knees. 

Handing back his robe, Greg pats him on the back with a grin. “That was brilliant, mate. You two got great chemistry on screen. Mrs Hudson’s gonna be one happy lady.”

John just nods, eyes chasing the room for any sign of his co-star. He likes to make sure his partners are all right after a shoot, even one as basic as this one. He finds Sherlock standing next to Molly, the PA, uncapping a bottle of water. 

Their eyes meet. 

“Dinner?” Sherlock asks. 

“Starving,” John says, pleasantly surprised, and hurries towards the showers.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed this short bit of crack! Comments are love <3 
> 
> PS: Anyone in the mood for a [Mystrade pretend relationship fic](http://archiveofourown.org/works/5439563)? Or a [vampire!John AU](http://archiveofourown.org/works/5271254/chapters/12163208), co-written by the lovely Iriya? Or [Johnlock Christmas fluff](http://archiveofourown.org/works/3122927)?


End file.
